Chapter 5 - What Dad Brought Me

Dad stood on our porch holding a blue accordion folder against his chest.

He looked ten years older than he had on Christmas.

"Can I come in?" he asked.

Evan looked at me.

I nodded.

Dad stepped inside, removed his coat, and stared at Lily's play mat like he needed something harmless to look at.

My daughter's name was written across the tab in my mother's handwriting.

LILY.

Nothing else.

"Where did you get this?" I asked.

"Your mother's desk."

"Does she know?"

"No."

"Dad—"

"Open it."

Screenshots of photos I had sent the family.

A copy of Lily's birth announcement.

Another: Dec. 2 - looks thin in picture.

Another: Rachel defensive when asked about weight.

My hands began to shake.

"What the hell is this?"

Dad sat down.

"She says she's documenting concerns."

"For who?"

"I don't know."

"Dad, don't lie to me."

His eyes lifted.

There was shame there.

"She talked to someone from church whose daughter went through a custody fight."

The kitchen seemed to tilt.

"Custody?"

"Not your custody. She says she was just asking questions about grandparents."

"She has seen Lily whenever she asked until this week."

"I told her that."

"Then why did you let her build a file?"

Dad flinched.

My father was not neutral.

He was passive.

And passivity had protected my mother far more often than it had protected me.

"You knew about this," I said.

"Not all of it."

"But some of it."

"Rachel, your mother gets scared. She thinks if she can prepare for every possible outcome, she can control it."

"She was preparing to use my premature baby's medical history against me."

"I don't think she would actually—"

"Stop."

I lowered it.

"Please stop telling me what she wouldn't do after showing me what she already did."

Dad's eyes filled.

I wanted to feel sorry for him.

Instead, I closed the folder.

"I'm keeping this."

He nodded.

At the door, he paused.

"There's one more thing."

I waited.

"Your mother invited everyone for New Year's Eve."

"I'm not going."

"I know."

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He looked down.

"She told them you're coming anyway."